Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and we went to the evening service. It was my first Ash Wednesday service because going to church is a very new thing for us, especially me. I’m so new that the idea of talking about God to my four year old son hadn’t occurred to me.
Before everything started, we were sitting in the pew, trying to quiet our one year old who kept saying “SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH QUIET. NO TAWKIN.” Our four year old turned to me and asked why we had to be SHHH QUIET NO TAWKIN and I told him it was because we were thinking about God.
He straightened his back and looked around the church.
“Which one is God, Mama?”
“Uhhhh. You can’t see God like you see people.”
“That doesn’t make sense! WHICH ONE IS GOD?”
I didn’t know what to say and I need help with this God thing. I don’t want to screw it up. I feel silly being in my thirties and not understanding some very basic things about religious tradition and beliefs but that’s where I’m at and I ask for help.
When I started breastfeeding, I felt silly asking doctors to help me do what seemed to be the most natural thing in the world.
When I was having a terrible recovery from my first pregnancy, I felt silly calling up a friend to ask her if it was normal. Was I normal? Was my baby acting normal? If any of it was normal!
Recently, I arrived at a breaking point when I knew I needed to make some changes in my life. I cried and then I told some friends and my sister. I asked for help. Please hold me to this. Don’t let me go back on my obligation to myself to change. I felt a little silly asking but things are better for it.
If I could train myself to naturally say one phrase to the world it would be “I need help and I welcome it.”
Where did I learn to fear asking for help? Pride has to be part of it, right? I don’t want others to know I don’t know. Gasp! Some of it is self-preservation. If I don’t ask for help, then I know I’m strong enough to figure it out on my own. Part of my fear also comes from others who ignored me when I asked for help before. And that brings me to a second thing I would like to naturally say to the world.
“I’ll help you if you want it!”
Didn’t some big Hollywood star just say generosity is always rewarded? I believe that but even you don’t, who the hell cares? We’re human and we’re meant to help each other, we’re meant to be helped.
Hi FTSF-ers! I’ve given myself a time limit for online playing tonight and it is officially up. Good thing my time ran out at the end of a sentence.
Thank you to the hosts. Thank you for reading. Thank you to Sarah Day at Parent Your Business for the Liebster Award! Sarah, if I could be any celebrity, it would be a mash-up of Daniel Day Lewis and Meryl Streep’s talent, I would harness that talent to save the world while writing travel essays for magazines with an emphasis on South Africa and Ecuador (two of my most favorite vacation spots). My large family would frequently travel with me while continuing to bug me about writing more for my blog that I’ve entertained them with since 2009 with unhealthy amounts of pictures of my children- lately filled with our last trip to Florida. Our cat did miss us while we were gone until we came home and filled up on curry and rice, then she wished we were still away. Sometimes we do leave her alone by visiting the many museums our new hometown has to offer.
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