Thank you for finding one of my favorites.  This was originally published on my first blog and I crudely copy and pasted it here.  The transfer is at fault if you find any wonky formatting, grammatical errors, or unfunny jokes.  Namaste.

Hello there, friends!

Today we are going to take a look at your child’s first self-help book.  Oh, I know what you are thinking.  A child, a toddler is a wee bit young to need that kind of book and haven’t we had enough of all these Tiger Moms with their expectations of achievement and self-discipline?   I say you are absolutely correct.  That is why I have targeted a certain “helpful” book for Nicole Leigh Shaw’s Character Assassination Carousel.  Today, it will be flushed to its watery grave.

Before we get to that, let’s look at the illustrious history of self-help books because, as “they” say, to know your future, you must first know your past.  Or something like that.

I researched (implied quotation marks) and found that these enlightening texts have been around for thousands of years, helping people solve their personal problems.  No, really!

Look:

You don’t know how to read  Egyptian hieroglyphics?  I can translate for you.  This ancient book states “When you are on a date, leave a generous tip so you don’t look like an asshole.  It might even get you laid.”

In the Art of Love, Ovid taught men to not give too many gifts, to manscape, and keep their baby-mamas unaware of each other.  He advised women to not wear too much jewelry, to flirt, and sleep around (really).  He published several books to help other Romans lead “better” lives and asked all his followers to RT his teachings.

Today, we still use self-help books to assist us in solving life’s biggest obstacles.

Given the popularity of this genre it is only natural, that as a parent, you would turn to a self-help book to guide your child towards a rejection of pooping his pants and acceptance of pooping in the toilet.  Clearly, he would need to master this skill if he ever wanted to win friends and influence people, no?

Namaste Once Upon a Potty!  Here is the classic self-help book for toddlers who are fed up with having someone wipe their butt, who want to achieve mastery over their bowel movements.  Employing The Secret with fancy goal/image boards isn’t going to help you get your toddler to the finish line in this race.  You need good ole’ story time to inform them into potty training success.

Well, actually you don’t.

The book first steers us off our intended course with the inspirational quote you see above. Figuratively the quote may mean things happen when they happen but literally this is the exact opposite of what we want going on with our kid.  We want the flow to stop!  Also, I don’t know about you but every toddler I know sucks at figurative language.  Heracleitus may have had it right but I’m sure he never said that to his boy when he was potty training him on those toilets in Ephesus.

OUAP soon introduces us to our role models for the potty training process.  Here is Joshua the two year old nudist.  No parent needs their 2 year old being mentored by a nudist because toddlers disrobe whenever the hell they feel like it already.  There is Joshua’s Mother.  Joshua’s mother is the parent’s role model in the potty training journey.  Her name is “Joshua’s Mommy.”  Joshua’s Mommy doesn’t get a name because she lets her kid walk around naked.

Self-awareness is big in self-help books.  OUAP seeks to introduce your child’s body to your child.   However, no one wants their child introduced to their little hole for making Poo-Poo.  Children are very curious creatures.  Let’s allow them to become aware of this area of their body independently.  It might take longer for them to start poking around where the sun don’t shine.  Also, turning  poo-poo (Poo-Poo) into a respectable proper noun is taking it too far.  Nothing that I have to wipe off a wall deserves respect.

Editor’s Note:  This illustration is sadly misplaced.  The novice potty trainer (the target market for this book) assumes that once the child is trained, their responsibilities will be over.  However, what Joshua is doing in this illustration is what a parent sees post-training and the text “MAMA! I’M DONE POOPING!  COME WIPE THE POOP OFF MY BOOTY” should accompany it.

Getting back to the book, we soon see Joshua’s Mommy getting fed up with changing poopy diapers.  She has discovered that even her precious Joshua’s shit stinks.

And here is Joshua exploring his hole for making poo-poo even when the poo-poo has already escaped.  This is why you don’t show your kid his poo-poo hole.

Joshua’s grandma presents this suspicious little potty to Joshua for training.  Joshua’s grandma knew that Joshua’s Mommy wasn’t going to make it on her own.  Especially after the newly discovered poo-poo hole debacle.

Joshua clearly knows he’s being duped and so do I.   Self-help books with sinister intentions can sometimes corner readers when they’re weak and convince them to buy things they don’t really need.  I think this might be a case of that.  This trojan horse toilet looks like a flower pot that inexplicably attracts birds.

Hey little Joshua, who moved your cheese poop?  It was the birds that scared you, wasn’t it?  Don’t worry, Joshua-who-has-evolved-into-wearing-a-half-shirt.  I wouldn’t want to hover my behind over that bird potty either.

This part of the book is supposed to help your poor, diapered child see that potty training takes hard work.  Recent research has suggested that the key to success to most self-help theories is repetition (this statement has not been researched).  This is clearly repetition but it is also a book I will likely read aloud to a child.  At night.  At night. At night.  As a great spiritual leader once said, “Ain’t nobody got time for that” especially when the good TV shows come on at 8.

Finally, our hero of the book figures out the whole potty thing and manages to successfully relieve himself in the flower pot without getting attacked by birds.  However, apparently, that has been known to happen.

Voila!  Your child is now potty trained.  After you read Once Upon a Potty.  Buy a training potty.  Buy a snap on seat for the big potty.  Buy stickers.  Make a reward chart.  Buy candy for bribes.  Stain all your carpets.  Throw a parade for every success.  Revert to diapers because I just can’t handle it dammit.  Gently work your way towards a mutual understanding between yourself and your child.

Thank you Once Upon a Potty.  You solved our scatological crisis.

To those of you who have easily-ruffled feathers:  Self-help books can be wonderful things.  My family is proof!  My daughter’s middle name is “Dr. Harvey Karp” in tribute to how much his book helped us calm our son as an infant.  However, if you were offended, may I suggest reading through other CAC posts to help you develop your sense of humor.