I took my kids for a new adventure and ended up learning the secret to life.

hahahahhahaha

Naw.  That’s bullshit.  This is just a story about a parenting debacle.  It’s what happens with me and the kids sometimes.  I like to plan, I like to be educational but I do not have complete control over the results.  Like this.

My 3 year old son wanted to see a dinosaur museum (the baby doesn’t talk much so she didn’t get a vote).  I found one online, we packed up, and left early.  We visit places like this when the crowds are light.  Usually, no one being around is a good thing but this day,  it was totally not a freaking good idea to be alone.

At the museum, we arrived and it was d-e-a-d.  At the ticket booth, I casually inquired about a membership  “But I want to check it out first, just to make sure they like it.”

Once in, I noticed a few things about this museum.

1.  It was old.

2.  They were environmentally friendly.  The lights (no overhead lights, just spotlights) were hooked to motion sensors so if no one was in the room, the lights were off.

3.  The exhibits were designed to help us get that “exploring/wandering” feel.  Translated, this means narrow pathways and lots of curves and dead ends.

4.  I mentioned we were just about the only visitors there, right?

We made it to the dinosaur exhibit where we were surprised by a hanging, dusty, life-size pterodactyl.  Its neighbor was a taxidermied gorilla (the plaque said it was the beloved gorilla that used to live at the zoo.)

“Mom?  What’s that?  MOM?!? Is that …real?” [Slowly walks backwards until safely in the stroller]

“Oh no, honey.  Those are fake, like big toys.”

Rounding the corner, the lights came on to reveal the full skeleton of a triceratops.

“MOM! IS THAT REAL?”

The triceratops was lit from underneath.  Similar to what we do around a campfire when telling a scary story with a flashlight under our chin.

We made it about 20 more feet into the exhibit when we heard recorded roars and peeked around the next corner to see a life-size t-rex digging into the ribs of a fallen life-size triceratops.

“MOM! I WANT TO LEAVE NOW!  MOM TURN AROUND THE STROLLER!”

My son is real big on “having brave.”  He wasn’t about to jump ship, despite my repeated offers to leave.  So, we kept exploring, we looked a little like Dorothy did in the woods with the monkeys.  Since my husband wasn’t with me, I took pictures to document the event.  I’ll share some with you here:

“Oh, how interesting!”

[Pointing at the taxidermied birds on the opposite wall] “Look at the birds!”

This is cool, right?  Absolutely.  It becomes infinitely less cool when it’s around a surprise corner and lights up as you see it.  The 50 year old recording of frantic drum beating blaring in the background makes it a little less enticing.  Imagine being 40 inches tall and having to look up at this bad boy.  So not cool anymore.

Well, shit.  I’ve not nothing that could sugar-coat this.  I’m pretty sure he didn’t notice it.

Yes, real.

This is what greeted visitors as they arrived on the second floor from the escalator.  We could only take the elevator since we had the stroller.  Yay for elevators!  When the door opened on the floor with the giant rotating display of Native American Indians mannequins in ceremonial dress, I just let the doors close again.  I’m not being racist, it was just creepy as all hell, those dusty mannequins and the damn drum beats and it all moving on a gigantic lazy susan in the dark.

Can you see the two figures lurking in the background?  The mechanized guy in front was was the cherry on top.  This was in the arctic exhibit.  The background sounds we enjoyed as we viewed this were  howling winds (meant to enhance the diorama of the polar bear about to attack baby sea lions) and the ever-present frantic drum beating.

Even the fish dioramas couldn’t give it a break.

C’mon, man.  Really?

It was around this time that my son started asking me “Mom, did you hear a noise?” and I started checking behind my shoulder and saying “That’s probably just another museum visitor” while I ran the stroller out of the room.

I neglected to photograph the mechanized old woman rocking in her rocking chair.  My hands were probably too sweaty to hold the camera.  Sorry.  A recording would have been better anyway.

We needed a break so we headed down to the main level for a snack.  Two minutes into the snack, an emergency alarm buzzed, the lights started flashing, and a recording of a woman’s voice told us “Please evacuate the building immediately.  There may be a dangerous situation in the building.  Please evacuate the building immediately.  There may be…”

I’m not joking.

We hustled out of the building and were greeted by fire engines screaming their way towards us.  The kids, of course, thought this was totally rad.  My son stopped being entertained when he realized this meant “emergency” and that’s not good.

“Honey, it’s probably a mistake.  When our smoke detector runs out of batteries, it goes off.  Maybe the alarm at the museum ran out of batteries.”

We left before the verdict was delivered.  I’m pretty sure it was a false alarm.

Oddly enough, I did not remember to get that museum membership.

Lord, please forgive me for shaming this place…I do think that this museum would be worthwhile to older children, especially on a busy day.  

For my kids at their age, this was a complete disaster.  And that’s what happens occasionally when I try to have adventures with my kids.  I’ll forgive myself for this mistake as soon as my nightmares subside.