18 Oct - 2013

by mamaschmama

Complaining about sleep deprivation is ridiculous.  Yeah, I said it.  I’m throwing down the gauntlet (or pillow) because we need to suck it up and learn to embrace sleep deprivation as a busy-all-the-time adult.  It’s doing us a lot of favors and we are neglecting to recognize that.  I mean sleep deprivation is doing us a favor, not throwing pillows.  Throwing pillows is fun but does not benefit us in anyway.  C’mon.  Stick with me, people.  We’re only on the first paragraph.

I don’t know you very well, internet clicker, but I do know myself because I’ve read a lot of books telling me about myself (duh) and not sleeping has really improved my life.  If only my children could be teething and sleep regressing and afraid of all things Halloween in the closet ALL THE TIME.  I would be a superstar constantly because not sleeping is rocking my world.  All those doctors and researchers and lab studies about fatigue don’t know nothing.

Doctors tell me sleep regression is supposed to make me dumber.  Fine with me!  I don’t want to understand why our government is so screwed up.  It’s only going to make me more depressed.  Ignorance is bills.  Bliss, I meant bliss.

I’ve read articles appealing to my vanity by mentioning sleep deprivation is supposed to prematurely age our skin.  Not sleeping has turned my crow’s feet into Grand Canyons on either side of my face.  Fine.  I won’t be able to walk the runways at Mercedes Benz Fashion Week and that’s a good thing because participating through Project Runway marathons on my couch is way funner.

I’m not swayed to slumber when I hear lack of sleep is supposed to kill sex drive.  Yes, the sex drive is six feet under and that’s saving me tons of money on birth control and razors to shave my legs.  Interesting side effect of that:  We have lower heating costs because I’m wearing permanent leg warmers.  Go green!  Don’t sleep and turn down the heat.

I know, I’m starting to help you see the light.  Your… Wait, let me google that… You’re welcome.  We need a motto for the sleepless movement.   And HELLO, I already have one because I have so much more time on my hands now that I don’t sleep!


I stenciled it above my bed.


We don’t call it the bedroom. We call it the waiting room.

You have my permission to Pin the shit out of that.

And all that about sleep deprivation impairing immune function?  HELLO.  Perhaps it was sleep deprivation that gave us three years of constant colds.  I have supported the families of countless starving doctors across two states (philanthropy, much?) and as a result, we are immune to everything now.  I can’t even get Botox because I’m immune to botulism.

Lab studies done on rats have shown that severe sleep deprivation can cause death or inability to heal wounds.  Listen.  I know we share 99% of our DNA with rats but we have a very special 1% all to ourselves and that’s called coffee.  Don’t worry about us, scientists.  Coffee always makes my mornings and afternoons and oh-who-cares-if-it’s-6pm-evenings better.

So what if lack of sleep suppresses growth hormones?  I have an established wardrobe dating back to 1998.  I have vintage grunge I need to wear.  If I grow, I won’t be able to wear my distressed jeans and Doc Martens.  Lack of sleep is helping me preserve the wardrobe.

Sleepiness can harm memory and disrupt our ability to hold on to routines which is awesome cause I like to shake it up a bit.  Story time starts at 9:30 or maybe 10.  We alternate between the two on a weekly basis.  Never know when crazy mama’s showing up to storytime at the library!!!!! Toddlers and preschoolers don’t need routine and consistency anyway, they thrive on unpredictability and chaos.

Don’t worry that lack of sleep can cause mistakes or flakiness.  At dinner, I can’t find the milk I put on the table even if it’s right in front of my face.  Well, I needed some exercise.  Walking needlessly into the kitchen only to return to the dinner table because that’s where the milk was all along is beneficial.

I was really concerned about irritability when I became immersed in the sleeplessness culture.  I fretted that no one would love me when I’m cranky all the time.  To my delight,  I discovered that irritability is probably the best part about it!   Sleeplessness means irritability and that means I don’t give a fuck.

Things I don’t give a fuck about anymore:

My appearance- My hair looks like I washed it in the garbage disposal but I don’t care because we got to school on time.

Making you angry-  I told the lady with the huge dinosaur car that it’s not actually OK to take up part of my parking spot in the crowded school parking lot.  Baby girl’s got to get in her car-seat and we’re not waiting for you to finish a 15 minute conversation with the teacher. (It doesn’t matter if this lady loves me.)

The pinter-beauty of my house- I have energy for one thing and I can choose to play in the leaves with my kids or rake.  Play.  Play every time.  Bonus benefit for me and the kids.

Not giving a fuck is key to raising healthy children.

Embrace your lack of sleep.  It’s doing you a favor.  A HUGE favor. One day, your kids will thank you for it.  They will thank you for it via a stolen moment phone call while balancing their baby on a whirring washing machine because I-swear-mom-it’s-the-only-thing-that-calms-her-down.  And your wrinkly eyes will crinkle more and the corners of your mouth will turn up to reveal a coffee-yellow-toothed smile on your face in appreciation of their news.  I know it will make you happy, my parents are proof.  They smile at my stories all the time.

If you like reading the “We’ll sleep when we’re dead” genre of parenting literature, please stay tuned for a book coming later this year.  Click here to get updates on that book.

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